For good or ill, probably both, church was a time to dress up. It was a place for putting your best foot forward. In the culture that I grew up with, that was alright because people got plenty of chances to see you on your wrong foot. However, in the case of the sanghas I am a part of most of the people I meet there only know me from my sangha attendance. Even people that know me will note, and I've shared this in sangha, how my voice becomes lower, my manner less animated. In other words, I start with my church behavior which quickly morphs into behavior that can connect with "white people." I am "reasonable," thoughtful, etc.
Mindful communications models, in my experience, are very useful for people unfamiliar with Buddhism and/or each other. Frankly, I don't know how a monthly sangha meeting could be a safe place without it, however, I no longer believe it is useful for the development of sanghas with a consistent or nearly consistent group of people.
I often reflect on how "careful" and tentative people are in the mindful/Buddhist communities I've been and continue to be a part of. The issue for me is not the necessity to be kind and compassionate in language, just that the carefulness should come from development of the heart and not be "church" etiquette. It also may explain, to some extent the concern that activism in various social areas will somehow take away or be a distraction from "practice." We have to work so hard just to be with each other is very modest ways. If we started going back and forth without structure, something might happen. The something that might happen is that we can learn to see and perhaps even love each other and look each other in the eye after having a real and tough disagreement. We might even discover that those differences enhance our individual and personal growth, even if the room took a beating while we were throwing things around (I do not encouraging trashing a room during a disagreement).
It is rubbing up against each others prejudices, seeing each other at our "worst" that will, to my mind, produce the hardiness of heart and mind that to me is all about Buddhism. Walking on egg shells is as stressful as walking through a minefield. The wrong step can prove to be ruinous.
Namo Amitabha Buddha
