A Great Gift of the Dharma - Loving w/o Fear

At the last meeting of the POC Sangha, one of the anchors of my life, we were asked about how our practice hand informed our lives. I threaded through the different answers that presented themselves to me, but this is the one that has had the greatest impact on my life and stands as the reason I am so wedded to the Dharma--the ability to love without fear.

Specifically, I said (as I remember it), "I can meet my desire to love without fear of being destroyed by the loving." Because of Buddhism, I have come to understand that real love does not come from a hungry heart, but a whole one. It does not come from sacrifice, but bounty. Most important to me, I can love without depletion. It does not trigger fatigue, or depression as the object(s) of my "love" "disappoints" me and a "love them anyway."a

Instead I am both emboldened and humbled by the joy of loving without fear. The old "disappointment," when its echo arises, is replaced with either a wry sense of understanding (a recognition that "I've done that") or a deep sense of compassion (a recognition that "I've done that") often it's both.

I am no longer am lost in the illusion of separateness. I am free from that illusion and that means there is no "other" who will either fulfill my love or disappoint me. I have my preferences, I would rather you smile than frown at me, but more and more it is just a preference. Some days, I walk the streets greeting strangers with my bucked tooth smile. How do they respond? It doesn't matter :-)

Through the Dharma, I am free to love whoever presents themselves in my life--without fear. There is nothing to be afraid of.

Metta

The Tyranny of Fluffiness - Thinking About Wise Speech

I've been thinking about wise, I prefer skillful, speech over the last few weeks. I see the benefit and even the necessity to speak with compassion and awareness, but I've often seen how much damage and suffering can arise not from wise speech, but from fluffy speech. By that I mean speech that only vaguely deals with what the speaker really wants to say. It is speech so soft and fluffy as to be, at least sometimes, useless and at worst damaging.

As I've reflected on this, it can be a real issue with "educated" and "progressive" people. The have both a large vocabulary and a sense of what is "correct." This causes suffering for the people who are trying so hard to be kind and for those they communicate with as they try to understand what they are hearing and what they feel about what they may be experiencing under the words.

"Taking care" of other people under the label of wise or skillful speech, is a type of co-dependency that assumes people are too weak for clarity. It also allows the speaker to be unconscious of their lack of clarity, while being "compassionate."

I've had an opportunity to see the difficulty that arises when speech is unclear. Some of that lack of clarity arose from genuine confusion, some arose from an effort to maintain relationship, but all of it served confusion. One of the many benefits of this path is the goal to be clear. Fluffy speech is not kind, it is confusing.

I am willing to restate or even apologize for inelegant words, but I have faith in my heart, a growing faith in the skillfulness of my words as I grow in my Buddhist practice, and faith in the beings I interact with. I offer my best effort to be both kind and clear to all sentient beings.

Metta

Wise Speech: A Translation for Me

"My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences."
— Audre Lorde (The Cancer Journals)

I almost didn't go to Sangha, because the article to read in preparation was "Wise Speech." I reacted with such resistance to what I initially read as another way to shut up people of different colors and culture, particularly my color and my people, without feeling like you're being oppressive. That resistance came on a day when my body, mind and spirit was feeling all the weights that I carry and I didn't want to hear about my need to use speech to be harmonious and not cause people to suffer.

Of course, the article was not an attack against me or anyone, but it did contain within it certain ideals and language that seemed dismissive of the realities of my history and my life. The article dismissed "frivolous"speech and "lies" as being unwise speech. Some might consider the kitchen talk that passed on wisdom and stories of pain and laughter and life both lies and frivolous, but it is where I continue to draw much of my strength and wisdom from. Like many articles about wise speech, silence is lauded as a wonderful way of being. My journey in this life to be a better person has often led me to silence rather than peace and the silence gave me no protection. I get triggered when I am given the goal of silence. Like most things, I have to translated the Dharma for me (this is Buddha's instruction) and I had to do it for this article.

What is the goal of "wise speech?" For me the goal is to be true to my deepest, most authentic self, come from love, and come from clarity. My speech is "wisest" when I know what's going on with me and the situation. It should be timely and appropriate, but it may not always be "nice." On the contrary, "harmony" may work against not just my truth, but get in the way of my coming together with a person I love, care about, or work with. Buddhism for me is all about moving beyond the delusion of separateness and wise speech is a tool to move beyond that delusion.

Wise speech is a crucial tenet of Buddhism, but to be useful it must be understood deeply by me. There is a place for silence, both strategic and Noble. I have experienced the deep dissatisfaction that comes after an angry eruption and I clearly see how wise it is to not project my speech from the place of anger, but I certainly see it as wise to speak from the place of pain. Just as I've learned to trust that just as I will not die from unmindful speech from another person, I don't believe they will they die from my unmindful speech. I believe that sometimes authentic and unmindful speech may be necessary to move to a place of love and connection. This space gives me the courage to continue to speak from a place of wisdom, the ideal that I'm often presented with, only leaves me futility.

om mani padme hum

The Three Jewels of Buddhism- Buddham Sharanam Gacchami Hymn

Uposatha Day

I went to my first Uposatha Day at the Washington Buddhist Vihara, a day of focusing on the Three Jewels and rededicating myself to the power of the practice. It was an amazing time and the first time I got a chance to be with monks for a prolonged period of time. They were both knowledgeable and funny. One monk shared his struggle with his family to become a monk at 8 years old (his mother made him wait two additional years before he was allowed to go to the temple). We received a presentation about stress and Buddhism that was amazing.

The day was so rich and I felt my meditation was being supported by the other practitioners in the hall. The with everything being connected by to the Dharma through the sutras. The yoga teacher that came carried the same spirit of awareness. We seemed to even move within the dharma. I left feeling rejuvenated, but knowing I have so much more to learn.

The Money Question

I've just been blessed to receive scholarships for two retreats. I bow deeply to those who generously support the retreats that allow me to have the opportunity to attend. The question that haunts me is, when does the "compassion fatigue" set in. I'm constantly on alert for the droopy eye, pained sigh, or weary shoulder shrug.

Even as I work to be able to contribute more toward these learning opportunities, I am thinking how "my sangha" would handle the money question. I think I'd like something like a "susu." A susu or a njange is- here's a primer: usually a susu or njange is comprised of family members, friends or even co-workers who band together to form a financial savings group.(information from http://www.africanmag.com/ARTICLE-386-design001) This susu would be used to help people buy books or attend retreats that they might not otherwise be able to attend.

Since my sangha would work like a family, I'd encourage a culture that valued putting money away for dana and our susu. We could do this because a lot of our "fun" would be at home and free. I'd like to know the model that's followed in different parts of the world around learning more about this tradition with you have "no shoes."

The Invitation

The Invitation

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting
Your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life's betrayals,
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
Without moving
To hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life
From its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
From the inside
When all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
With yourself,
And if you truly like the company you keep
In the empty moments.

In my thoughts of how the "No Shoes" sangha would work, I believe I'd start with this poem. It strips out all the class and race refuges and gets to the essentials. The hard truth is that the way to break through the illusion of separation is through opening our hearts and sharing joy and pain with historical "enemies." Even harder, the way for me to break through my illusion of separation is to love, share, want the best for my "enemies."

I have spent much of my life in various movements and have watched myself and others try to accomplish justice without the love and reconciliation that's required. This is another poem that underscores our/my challenge, but it is one we must address because...

You will not be a mystic
until you are like the earth - both the righteous and the sinner tread upon it;
and until you are like the cloud - they shade all things;
and until you are like the rain - it waters all things,
whether they like it or not.

Bayazid Bistami

The Jewels I Carry

The Buddha, the dharma, and sangha are the jewels that I carry and adorn my consciousness. In the past few years, I've carried these jewels with me everywhere. Here's my translation of my understanding of the jewels: (1) Buddha the human example; (2) dharma, teaching that awakened me; and (3) sangha, a community that nourishes my being present, being awake.

Of course it goes much deeper and I have had the opportunity to be exposed to teachers that have shown me the many facets of the jewels. Sometimes I followed what they were saying and sometimes I didn't, but the beauty of Buddhism and its power is it can be lifesaving even when I have neither the time or the inclination to be "deep." I don't have to feel "good" or even have a "sit." These jewels are available with every step and every breath.

A Step

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha

Having studied and participated in sangha for several years I can appreciate the deep wisdom of Buddha's words. This brown ex-prince from India calls me to embrace the hard truths and deep beauty of my life. At the same time, by acknowledging the what is, which in my case is racism, sexism, ageism, and classism, to name a few, I am not captured by these labels. That freedom from tragic histories and current catastrophes has given me freedom.

So much of what I've seen about Buddhism is written by well schooled, well traveled white people. This is not a diatribe against the history and privilege that make their schooling and travels possible, but simply an acknowledgment that my experience of "Western" Buddhism comes from people whose lineages and lives are very different from mine and of course impact their understanding and practice of Buddhism. This being the case, I wanted to start this blog to give voice to those of us traveling the eightfold path without shoes. Those of us who worry about bus and train transportation money to sangha gatherings, who are unable to afford to buy the many wonderful books. Even more than economic differences and what that means to my practice, I want to give voice for my different cultural references and to look at the assumptions that underlie so much of what I've been exposed to. Further, I want to imagine, craft, and bring forth an alternate sangha structure for people like me.

Thankfully, I am an active part of an amazing POC (people of color) sangha that rocks and rolls in ways familiar that resonates with me. Yet, even there, the majority are much younger and are much more schooled than I am. So, if you ramble by and are similarly walking this path "without shoes" I'd love you to share your comments.