When Sangha is Like Church

For good or ill, probably both, church was a time to dress up.  It was a place for putting your best foot forward.  In the culture that I grew up with, that was alright because people got plenty of chances to see you on your wrong foot.  However, in the case of the sanghas I am a part of most of the people I meet there only know me from my sangha attendance.  Even people that know me will note, and I've shared this in sangha, how my voice becomes lower, my manner less animated.  In other words, I start with my church behavior which quickly morphs into behavior that can connect with "white people."  I am "reasonable," thoughtful, etc.

Mindful communications models, in my experience, are very useful for people unfamiliar with Buddhism and/or each other.  Frankly, I don't know how a monthly sangha meeting could be a safe place without it, however, I no longer believe it is useful for the development of sanghas with a consistent or nearly consistent group of people.

 I often reflect on how "careful" and tentative people are in the mindful/Buddhist communities I've been and continue to be a part of.  The issue for me is not the necessity to be kind and compassionate in language, just that the carefulness should come from development of the heart and not be "church" etiquette.  It also may explain, to some extent the concern that activism in various social areas will somehow take away or be a distraction from "practice."  We have to work so hard just to be with each other is very modest ways.  If we started going back and forth without structure, something might happen.  The something that might happen is that we can learn to see and perhaps even love each other and look each other in the eye after having a real and tough disagreement.  We might even discover that those differences enhance our individual and personal growth, even if the room took a beating while we were throwing things around (I do not encouraging trashing a room during a disagreement). 

It is rubbing up against each others prejudices, seeing each other at our "worst" that will, to my mind, produce the hardiness of heart and mind that to me is all about Buddhism.  Walking on egg shells is as stressful as walking through a minefield.  The wrong step can prove to be ruinous.

 Namo Amitabha Buddha

A Great Gift of the Dharma - Loving w/o Fear

At the last meeting of the POC Sangha, one of the anchors of my life, we were asked about how our practice hand informed our lives. I threaded through the different answers that presented themselves to me, but this is the one that has had the greatest impact on my life and stands as the reason I am so wedded to the Dharma--the ability to love without fear.

Specifically, I said (as I remember it), "I can meet my desire to love without fear of being destroyed by the loving." Because of Buddhism, I have come to understand that real love does not come from a hungry heart, but a whole one. It does not come from sacrifice, but bounty. Most important to me, I can love without depletion. It does not trigger fatigue, or depression as the object(s) of my "love" "disappoints" me and a "love them anyway."a

Instead I am both emboldened and humbled by the joy of loving without fear. The old "disappointment," when its echo arises, is replaced with either a wry sense of understanding (a recognition that "I've done that") or a deep sense of compassion (a recognition that "I've done that") often it's both.

I am no longer am lost in the illusion of separateness. I am free from that illusion and that means there is no "other" who will either fulfill my love or disappoint me. I have my preferences, I would rather you smile than frown at me, but more and more it is just a preference. Some days, I walk the streets greeting strangers with my bucked tooth smile. How do they respond? It doesn't matter :-)

Through the Dharma, I am free to love whoever presents themselves in my life--without fear. There is nothing to be afraid of.

Metta

The Tyranny of Fluffiness - Thinking About Wise Speech

I've been thinking about wise, I prefer skillful, speech over the last few weeks. I see the benefit and even the necessity to speak with compassion and awareness, but I've often seen how much damage and suffering can arise not from wise speech, but from fluffy speech. By that I mean speech that only vaguely deals with what the speaker really wants to say. It is speech so soft and fluffy as to be, at least sometimes, useless and at worst damaging.

As I've reflected on this, it can be a real issue with "educated" and "progressive" people. The have both a large vocabulary and a sense of what is "correct." This causes suffering for the people who are trying so hard to be kind and for those they communicate with as they try to understand what they are hearing and what they feel about what they may be experiencing under the words.

"Taking care" of other people under the label of wise or skillful speech, is a type of co-dependency that assumes people are too weak for clarity. It also allows the speaker to be unconscious of their lack of clarity, while being "compassionate."

I've had an opportunity to see the difficulty that arises when speech is unclear. Some of that lack of clarity arose from genuine confusion, some arose from an effort to maintain relationship, but all of it served confusion. One of the many benefits of this path is the goal to be clear. Fluffy speech is not kind, it is confusing.

I am willing to restate or even apologize for inelegant words, but I have faith in my heart, a growing faith in the skillfulness of my words as I grow in my Buddhist practice, and faith in the beings I interact with. I offer my best effort to be both kind and clear to all sentient beings.

Metta

Wise Speech: A Translation for Me

"My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences."
— Audre Lorde (The Cancer Journals)

I almost didn't go to Sangha, because the article to read in preparation was "Wise Speech." I reacted with such resistance to what I initially read as another way to shut up people of different colors and culture, particularly my color and my people, without feeling like you're being oppressive. That resistance came on a day when my body, mind and spirit was feeling all the weights that I carry and I didn't want to hear about my need to use speech to be harmonious and not cause people to suffer.

Of course, the article was not an attack against me or anyone, but it did contain within it certain ideals and language that seemed dismissive of the realities of my history and my life. The article dismissed "frivolous"speech and "lies" as being unwise speech. Some might consider the kitchen talk that passed on wisdom and stories of pain and laughter and life both lies and frivolous, but it is where I continue to draw much of my strength and wisdom from. Like many articles about wise speech, silence is lauded as a wonderful way of being. My journey in this life to be a better person has often led me to silence rather than peace and the silence gave me no protection. I get triggered when I am given the goal of silence. Like most things, I have to translated the Dharma for me (this is Buddha's instruction) and I had to do it for this article.

What is the goal of "wise speech?" For me the goal is to be true to my deepest, most authentic self, come from love, and come from clarity. My speech is "wisest" when I know what's going on with me and the situation. It should be timely and appropriate, but it may not always be "nice." On the contrary, "harmony" may work against not just my truth, but get in the way of my coming together with a person I love, care about, or work with. Buddhism for me is all about moving beyond the delusion of separateness and wise speech is a tool to move beyond that delusion.

Wise speech is a crucial tenet of Buddhism, but to be useful it must be understood deeply by me. There is a place for silence, both strategic and Noble. I have experienced the deep dissatisfaction that comes after an angry eruption and I clearly see how wise it is to not project my speech from the place of anger, but I certainly see it as wise to speak from the place of pain. Just as I've learned to trust that just as I will not die from unmindful speech from another person, I don't believe they will they die from my unmindful speech. I believe that sometimes authentic and unmindful speech may be necessary to move to a place of love and connection. This space gives me the courage to continue to speak from a place of wisdom, the ideal that I'm often presented with, only leaves me futility.

om mani padme hum

The Three Jewels of Buddhism- Buddham Sharanam Gacchami Hymn

Uposatha Day

I went to my first Uposatha Day at the Washington Buddhist Vihara, a day of focusing on the Three Jewels and rededicating myself to the power of the practice. It was an amazing time and the first time I got a chance to be with monks for a prolonged period of time. They were both knowledgeable and funny. One monk shared his struggle with his family to become a monk at 8 years old (his mother made him wait two additional years before he was allowed to go to the temple). We received a presentation about stress and Buddhism that was amazing.

The day was so rich and I felt my meditation was being supported by the other practitioners in the hall. The with everything being connected by to the Dharma through the sutras. The yoga teacher that came carried the same spirit of awareness. We seemed to even move within the dharma. I left feeling rejuvenated, but knowing I have so much more to learn.